I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
