Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
