Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
