wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
