I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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