So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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