she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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