I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
