i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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