I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize