Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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