yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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