I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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