Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
