I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
