wakey wakey hands off snakey
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize