After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
