Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
