What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
