Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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