I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
