And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
