You just made me feel so damn special
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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