: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
