my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
