Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
