Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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