every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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