You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize