I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
