I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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