I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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