Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
