i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
