Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
