Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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