best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize