I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
