if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
