I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
