It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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