mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
