There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
