I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
