We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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