I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
