I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
