He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
