John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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