Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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