I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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