I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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