The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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