my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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