One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Randomize
