I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
