I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
