I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
