im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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