Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
