Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
