You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
