Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
