hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
